Going Home

I heard this saying or maybe it was a song not sure but either way I heard it “You can never go home again” I remember when I heard it I was like what does that mean of course I can go home again. Well, now I realize what it means. Although we may be able to leave home and come back whenever we feel like it, home itself is never the same, or maybe the person is not the same. Either way something is different so NO YOU CAN’T EVER GO HOME AGAIN.

The reason I bring this up is not to long ago I move far away from home and I am now planning a trip back. I can honestly say that I know I’m not the same person. Too much has happened in such a little time and I truly believe that I am not ready to go home. I have grown a lot in the short time that I’ve been away and certainly have a different view on life. I guess to me home means a different life and unhappier time for me.

Don’t get me wrong I miss home and have often thought maybe I should just pack up and go back, however, when I “wake up” I realize that its only a depressing thought. CRAZY could not describe that action and why would I put myself through the misery of moving back. I’m just going to settle for a short visit and that’s it. Enough to satisfy my homesickness and be done and over with it.

I’ve worked hard to get away from my old familiar friend “depression” and although, I have moments they are not nearly as bad as when I was home. Honestly the thought itself depresses me only because it brings back bad memories. There are some good but the most recent ones outweigh those and they are primarily bad. I have business to take care of when I get there and this particular thing can send someone to the darkest depression in itself.

Anxiety on the other hand is also a factor, due to recent events I am NOT looking forward to seeing certain people that are home. Its partially because they have forever tried to run my life and now that I am out from under their thumbs I have in a way acted out against them. They are clearly aware of this and although, I love them dearly they are still trying to control me….I AM RESISTING… and breaking away. Which is where the anxiety comes in…. I tell myself to relax and see what happens but, of course, my “busy mind” is expecting the worse.

Regardless of how it turns out I will never wonder what that old saying or song means. I know all to well what it means. For me just like everything else I will learn how to deal…..