My Busy Mind

Have you ever wondered how it is to live in constant panic or always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Well I do. My mind is always racing trying to find solutions to problems that either don’t exist or have already been resolved. I have this magnificent way of overanalyzing every last moment of a conversation. Then I always expect the worst out of it. That’s ok to a point but even in my sleep I am thinking about these things, that is WHEN or IF I sleep.

I don’t know when it started, you could probably say when I got married. If you ask my mom I’ve always been a “stress filled” person. My best friend would say I’ve always been “Ms. Fix It” except when it comes to my own problems then what?……I can’t seem to take my own advice. Don’t get me wrong I hear the words that are coming out of my mouth but I tend to twist them around when it comes to me following them.

There are moments when I will constantly worry over a conversation or a situation until I have either lost enough sleep it makes me sick or it just makes me sick. In fact, as I sit here writing this I can’t tell you how many things are actually going on inside my mind. I try to focus on other things like the TV or this posting but something keeps drawing my attention other places. It gets annoying and bothersome.

I live my day on an average of no kidding 3 or 4 hours of sleep. Yeah, sure I go to sleep like 6 or 7 hours but since I cannot seem to get restful sleep I get only 3 or 4 hours. I try my hardest to get my mind to calm down enough to fall asleep but so often I find myself laying awake and worried. About what? You may ask well you name it……yes including the kitchen sink. I have to admit there are times where I have to resort to taking some kind of sleep aid, Advil PM, seems to be my favorite. This adds yet another worry….am I becoming addicted to it. I certainly hope not but some days it seems that by taking these aids it’s the only way I can get a peaceful nights sleep.

I also believe that along with my racing mind comes some of her friends anxiety and depression. The anxiety thing is either new to me or I’m just now beginning to realize that I have it. Depression on the other hand well, he is an old familiar friend. I get anxious over what ever trivial worry I can come up with and there by becoming depressed over the fact that there is probably nothing I can do about it.

I have sought “counseling” but was told due to my current situation I am suffering from adjustment issues that bring on depression. Yeah, right so have I been adjusting since I was 16. I think not. Oh and my anxiety is only brought on by social issues. Well, smarty pants counselor, please if you will tell me who is sharing my room with me or my desk or how about this my mind. I would like to know so I can serve them their eviction papers.

All in all though I have learned to deal with my busy mind. I tried to concentrate on only good things in my life. I use my friends as my sounding board, and believe me those are some very interesting conversations. Mostly I write or at least I try until I don’t like what I’ve written because I’m “worried” someone might find it and so I throw it away or erase it.